Typical title of an essay in school years, eh. This post is to remind myself of the choice I've made at one of the important stages in my life. The choice that I've been resisting to make, fearing of success.

I've always considered myself as an artistic person since I was young. Being a person with a profession that most would deemed as "professional", like doctor, engineer, lawyer, teacher, etc., has never ever crossed my mind. Even though there was this short period of time when I wanted to be a veterinarian. It was just for the reason that I love animals, especially dogs. No, I do not want to be a vet but I still love animals. Don't get me wrong.

All of my ambitions later were all of the artistic side. I did not grow up around artistic people or live in an urban area with influences that might "make" me an artist. So, I really never knew what an artistic career looked like. And I am curious. Desperately curious. There was once I wanted to be a backup dancer so I would get the chance to work with different performers. The best part would be having a clan to practise dance step then join competitions.

I didn't hold on to this ambition long enough due to low self-esteem and a voice in me told me that I couldn't make it. Thus, concluded myself to be an introvert, I thought I should be a graphic designer instead. Working in my studio whole day long to give life to art pieces. My studio would be fully equipped with any stationery you can name of. Fyi, I'm a stationery obsess-er and I want all the colours. I mean that!

To cut a long story short, I furthered my studies in Education (TESL) after Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (STPM). How did I end up there? My grades weren't that good in STPM. I still didn't manage to get a place in the government university after appealing. I spent that year working as a part-timer. During that period of time, I blamed myself for most of the things happened in my life. I doubted if I should continue my studies. In the end, I picked a course that doesn't cost as much as what I wanted. I put it in such a way as to conceal the guilt of my wrongdoing.

In the blink of an eye, I'm about to graduate this year, but I decided not to pursue my career in this path. During two job interviews that I had last month, I already can imagine myself burning out. I do not want my future life to be in a great pressure where I have to crack my brain in planning lessons. I wouldn't deny that teaching during my practicum was a great experience. I learned a lot from my students. And I would say I love teaching, but not planning lessons. I wouldn't even mind if I have to prepare materials till 3 o'clock in the morning.

Another reason is that a teacher has the greatest responsibility to take, I would say. The level increases depending on the number of students taught. I had 65 students during my practicum and I was like in a pressure cooker. As a person with strong sense of responsibility, I couldn't imagine myself having 4 - 5 classes of students. I would be a timed bomb by then.

So, what's my ambition now? One of my student did asked me what I wanted, doesn't really remember the actual question, but the word came out from my mouth was "Freedom." Freedom is wonderful but it was too much to ask for. Freedom becomes torturous when there are choices to be made. Not wanting to lose track again and to waste my degree majoring in English, I'm in search for a job that requires English usage and I enjoy at the same time.

I think I've been too serious with my own life all these while, making sure everything runs in order as I planned. There is this one student of mine who always reminded me to enjoy life. I must have been looking so tensed up in class. Therefore, from now on, I promise myself to do what I enjoy and LOVE MYSELF more! Good luck happens when you're in action!

My friend, Qis and I were reluctant to leave the school on the very last day. We went around the school and made this video.

 

Weights & Dresses,

Zyin

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